Je moet niets in bed - behalve genieten
Wie seks ziet als een keurslijf, beleeft er vaak minder plezier aan. Mijn onderzoek toont: vrijheid en variatie in bed maken écht gelukkig.
“Ik dacht altijd dat seks begon met zijn initiatief en eindigde met zijn orgasme. Blijkt dat er veel meer mogelijk is.”
- Anonieme getuigenis
We denken misschien dat we onze eigen keuzes maken in bed, maar onbewust volgen we vaak een script. De man verleidt, de vrouw beslist. De man wil altijd, de vrouw mag niet te gretig zijn. En seks? Die eindigt meestal als hij klaarkomt.
Klinkt ouderwets? Toch leven veel mensen nog steeds volgens dit scenario. In mijn masterproef onderzocht ik wat dat betekent voor het plezier dat mensen beleven aan seks. De conclusie is duidelijk: wie vasthoudt aan traditionele ideeën over seks, beleeft er minder plezier aan. Wie daarentegen meer gelijke rollen aanneemt en losser en creatiever omspringt met verwachtingen, ervaart meer genot, intimiteit en zelfvertrouwen.
Seks als toneelstukje
We krijgen van kleins af aan impliciete boodschappen mee over seks: in films, via vriendinnen, uit porno of in de opvoeding. Deze ‘seksuele scripts’ vertellen hoe een seksuele interactie ‘hoort’ te verlopen. En wie afwijkt van het script, voelt zich al snel ‘raar’ of ‘fout’.
Een voorbeeld? Mannen moeten altijd zin hebben en het initiatief nemen. Vrouwen mogen seks willen, maar niet te graag. Dit script zet vrouwen in de rol van “poortwachter” en mannen als “jagers”. Geen wonder dat dit leidt tot spanning, onzekerheid en… minder plezier.
Flexibiliteit is het nieuwe voorspel
Mijn onderzoek toonde aan dat wanneer deze rollen meer gelijk zijn, wanneer vrouwen even veel initiatief nemen als mannen bijvoorbeeld, het seksueel plezier bij koppels hoger is. Bovendien vond ik dat koppels die flexibel omgaan met seks - die open communiceren en creatief zijn bij seksuele moeilijkheden – ook meer plezier beleven. Niet alleen lichamelijk, maar ook emotioneel. Ze voelen zich zelfverzekerder, meer verbonden en meer op hun gemak.
“Seks is geen verplicht nummer. Het is iets dat je samen maakt.”
- Irena Coetsier, onderzoeker
We noemen dit seksuele scriptflexibiliteit: het vermogen om je aan te passen aan wat er speelt tussen de lakens. Heb je minder zin, een ander verlangen of lukt iets niet? Dan zoek je samen een nieuwe weg. Klinkt eenvoudig, maar het vereist bewustwording en communicatie.
Vragenlijsten, verlangen en verrassende resultaten
Voor mijn masterproef in Gender & Diversiteit ondervroeg ik ongeveer 500 mensen in een langdurige heteroseksuele relatie. Zij vulden drie wetenschappelijk gevalideerde vragenlijsten in:
- Over hun seksuele overtuigingen (klassiek vs. gelijkwaardig)
- Over hoe flexibel ze zijn in hun seksleven
- En over het plezier dat ze ervaren op zes domeinen: van opwinding tot verbondenheid
De resultaten waren helder. Traditionele ideeën over seks gingen hand in hand met minder plezier, vooral op vlak van zelfeffectiviteit, opwindingsplezier en interactieplezier. Flexibiliteit daarentegen ging samen met meer genot - op bijna alle vlakken.
Het zit vaak in ons hoofd
Veel van de obstakels voor seksueel plezier zitten tussen de oren. Als je gelooft dat “seks pas echt is als het penis-in-vagina is”, dan raak je snel gefrustreerd als dat niet lukt. En als je denkt dat je partner altijd zin moet hebben, dan voelt een ‘nee’ al snel als afwijzing.
Door die vaste verwachtingen los te laten, ontstaat er ruimte voor plezier. Dan wordt seks iets dat je samen vormgeeft - niet iets waar je aan moet voldoen.
Gender maakt minder uit dan je denkt
Opvallend: in mijn studie bleek het effect van traditionele rollen en flexibiliteit op seksueel plezier gelijk bij vrouwen én mannen. Vrouwen scoorden gemiddeld iets hoger op ‘bonding enjoyment’ (gevoel van verbondenheid tijdens seks), maar verder waren er weinig verschillen.
Dat betekent: de boodschap geldt voor iedereen. Hoe je je ook identificeert, je kan baat hebben bij het doorbreken van seksnormen.
Seksueel plezier is géén extraatje
Seksueel plezier is geen luxe of extraatje. Volgens de Wereldgezondheidsorganisatie is het een fundamenteel onderdeel van seksuele gezondheid. Mensen die meer genot ervaren tijdens seks, communiceren beter, voelen zich zelfzekerder en gebruiken vaker bescherming. Seksueel welzijn is dus letterlijk goed voor je gezondheid.
Toch blijven publieke campagnes vaak steken bij "veilig vrijen", zonder aandacht voor plezier, verbondenheid of zelfvertrouwen. Mijn onderzoek toont aan dat meer aandacht voor seksueel scriptdenken broodnodig is. Niet alleen in relaties, maar ook in onderwijs, media en therapie.
🌈 En wat met queer koppels? 
Mijn onderzoek focuste op heteroseksuele relaties, omdat traditionele scripts daar het sterkst spelen. Maar natuurlijk zijn deze inzichten ook relevant voor andere vormen van relaties. Queer koppels hebben vaak andere scripts, maar kunnen evengoed last hebben van normen en verwachtingen. Daar ligt een belangrijke piste voor toekomstig onderzoek.
Schrijf je eigen scenario
Wie seks beleeft als een toneelstukje, loopt kans op gemiste kansen. Wie het scenario loslaat en samen improviseert, ontdekt vaak meer plezier en meer verbinding.
Goede seks begint niet bij voorspel, maar bij het herschrijven van het script.
- Irena Coetsier, onderzoeker
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